Thursday, January 25, 2007


I met with my spiritual director today, and it was a pretty good session. I brought all of this mysterious baggage along and we prayed, talked, and prayed some more. I don't think I resolved anything, but being able to chat things through with a neutral party kinda helped.

One thing we talked about was taking a couple days and going away to some sort of quiet place, like a retreat center. I think I'm going to do it. I'd ask if anybody would want to come, but that'd kinda defeat the purpose of being alone. At the same time, I also brought up the possibility that I could be physically ill. Judging by my lack of energy and heightened fatigue, I'm beginning to wonder if I have mono. Of course, I'm no doctor, so until I see one, I will never know. But that's one thing we speculated that could be the cause. Plus, I know that when I get really tired, I can also get really emotional. How you like them Encyclopedia Brown sleuth skills?

As I have thought more about what exactly I'm feeling, I've discovered that it has an "I've-lost-something-terribly-important-and-I'll-never-get-it-back" feel. The only thing I can compare it to is the first time I went away for summer school at the ripe age of 12. I was in a foreign place, all alone, and my parents had just left. I remember unpacking my stuff, looking around, then all of a sudden feeling a tidal wave of anxiety and fear rush over me. I Instinctively try to look for my parents, but as soon as I realized that they were gone, my heart sank, and I began to cry. Right now, I'm feeling everything I felt then: Fear, anxiety, heart sinking. The only difference is I stop just short of crying, but if this continues, I may be doing that.

Seriously, this feeling is an absolute mystery which has caused me to wonder 'What is it that I have lost?' I'm no supernatural psychic that can see into the future, so I have no idea if I will be losing something soon, but this feeling of being alone is starting to wear on me.

Oh, and talking about being alone, I felt really bad because I really wasn't in the mood to talk, so I pretty much ignored Melissa on the ride back from Mississauga this afternoon. Sorry for spacing out on you, Mel.

Anyways, I've been fortunate enough to have found a song that's given some sort of peace and solace during this time. It's a song by a band called Dakona entitled 'Revelation', and being able to connect with it has helped tremendously.


At 7:31 PM, Blogger Melissa said...

No problem about the ride home....apparently I was needing to catch a nap anyways!! Hope things work out for you soon and you can figure out what is going on. Let me know if you need anything.

At 12:49 PM, Blogger Jaci said...

I hope you feel peace soon and you get away to wherever you need to get away to. I have a lot of friends that go through a depression of sorts at this time of year, and they go for a tan as it actually tricks your body into thinking it's sun which produces something that makes you happy (very medical terms I know). Maybe give that a shot?

Anyway let us know if we can do anything at all - if you need a puppy to walk or if you just want to pick up a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup Frozen Pie or if you want more movies!

At 11:44 AM, Blogger Jen said...

A great place to get away and think for a few hours during gross winter months is the Royal Botanical Gardens just in Burlington. They have a greenhouse with paths, benches and a pond. It smells like summer there and the trees and flowers are amazing. A good place to go and journal and remember the sun. It's sort of a mini retreat when you can't get away.


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