Despair

As of this past Tuesday, I started working at a new job. I've been looking for something for a while now, but nothing has worked out...until now. I have to say that this has to be one of the most fun jobs I have ever done. I work for a company called Amplifier. Many different online companies outsource their shipping and customer service needs to Amplifier, one of which is their sister company, Despair, Inc. What is Despair, you ask? Well if you can imagine a company that specializes in motivational posters, pictures and other gadgets and doohickeys, Despair is the antithesis of these companies. They specialize in DEmotivational posters, pictures, clothing and other gadgets and doohickeys.

I'm working in their customer service department answering emails, responding to complaints, sending replacements, and all the stuff a customer service person gets to do. The only difference between the Despair way of customer service and how customer service is executed at a company like Rogers, Walmart or Target, is I am encouraged to be sarcastic, rude and borderline insulting. Can you say 'DREAM JOB'?!?!?! Actually, I think she would have a blast doing what I do. To give you a few examples of how I go about "serving the customer" at Despair, here are a few questions from customers, along with my responses. (Just so you know, the names have been changed or removed)


CUSTOMER 1
"Do you have any guidelines for suggestions for posters? I have several, but don't see anywhere on your web site to submit the ideas. I'm sure this isn't intentional. I really don't want to overwork anyone since you seem so "busy"; however, I'm (unfortunately?) one of your favorite customers and I won't go away.
Thanks."
ME
"Oh man!! These are the emails that I LOVE responding to!!! It's awesome when customers go beyond the realm of being a customer and actually become part of the Despair team. If you follow this link, you will be taken to the page where you can submit your spectacular ideas. Who know? Maybe your design will be found on our next calendar, mug or t-shirt!! Crossing my fingers, man!!"


CUSTOMER 2
"I am trying to save some trees, so I will shop in the future on your website. Please stop sending the catalog. Thanks."
ME
Thanks for loving the environment, but hating our catalog. Don't worry, we don't take things personally. Thought I would let you know that instead of printing our catalog on paper, we are currently in the process of having the catalogs printed on cow manure. As soon as they're completed, I'll be sure to send one of our pies your way.

Just kidding.

No worries. You've been taken off our mailing list. Our apologies for any inconvenience we've caused.

Thanks,

Kevin C.


CUSTOMER 3
"I would like to get on the mailing list to receive a catalog. How do I do that?"
ME
Thanks for your inquiry into a catalog!! Let me give you the proper steps for obtaining a catalog.

Step 1: Stop bothering us.
Step 2: Stop bothering us.
Step 3: Stop bothering us.
Step 4: Leave hope at the door.
Step 5: Stop bothering us.

When you have completed these 5 easy steps, you will find your catalog magically appear in the same dresser drawer you keep you socks and undergarments.

Just kidding.

Thanks for requesting a catalog!! We will be adding you to our mailing list, upon which time you will be all set up to receive one of our catalogs. Thanks for your interest in Despair, and we hope you enjoyed your stay.


Seriously, I love this job.